Life

Spending most of my days in Kyoto now by doing practically... nothing really. Quite sick and tired of the home-work and the assignments at school, well... quite fed up with most of the things that has to do with the school actually.
I keep trying to convince myself that I should not be having these kind of feelings, but instead just endure and keep doing my best these remaining 5 or so months. Which makes me end up in some kind of standstill in the middle of these mixed and confused feelings. And by this preventing myself from doing anything constructive, like take part in activities, study, or just spend time with friends.

Speaking of friends, I've also been feeling really lonely recently. Missing all my dear friends that has already finished their studies here in Japan and returned back to their homes ahead of me, especially my dear "Ai uan" who'm I'm missing more and more for each passing day. I wish I could've had the pleasure to have you all here during the whole of my stay. It sure would have made things easier.

Of-course, I also miss all my friends and family back in Sweden, but at the same time I'm having this unpleasant feeling that by being separated for such a long time, we might have come to grow apart from each other one way or another, and that when I finally get back, things will never go back to how It used to be.

I've also been thinking what the hell I should do when i get back. I still don't really know what I want to do with my life... Right now I just want to get back to Sweden. But I'm afraid that during my period here, and by me gradually missing home more and more, I've built up this completely false and romantic view of Sweden and how things will be turn out when i get back.

Wow, I just keep feeling worse and worse the more I type... I guess there's really no point in thinking or fantasizing about how life will turn out since we can't possibly know. We might in fact, by just trying to do so unconsciously mess up things for myself.

We should all just try to live in the presence, focus and give 100% of our-selfs in the situation we are currently in, whatever the task may be or whoever will be there with you. But knowing what you should do, and to actually do it, are two completely different things.